I have mulled over this for years, sometimes even complaining to food writers, friends, lovers and anyone else who would listen. But yet again, tonight, something happened at a “fast casual” place in Clawson Michigan and I just thought, man am I sick of this, basic things, just do them. So if anyone cares, here is my list of crap that restaurants do that just bother me a lot…
1.Don’t put my cold salad in the same bag as my daughter’s steaming lasagna in a plastic grocery bag. First the heat from the styrofoam container wilts the salad. Second, the plastic bag just makes it worse. Like maybe let mayo sit out for a few hours on the beach and eat that? Please separate warm and cold.
2. Following that, maybe out the freshly cooked chicken in a sport container from the salad? I mean you know I am going home and you know that the hot chicken is going to ruin the lettuce, I mean don’t you?
3. There is a chain of bagel shops around the country, the bagels are actually ok, which of course rules out Einsteins(come one, we all know) and when you ask for cream cheese, they put it on one side of the bagel. So when you take it apart to eat it, one side has a ton of cream cheese, the other, well, none. Really?
4. And following that….put the cream cheese on AFTER you toast the bagel Doing the other is like boiling mayo, just wrong, like really wrong.
5. If I order it without ketchup, I kind of mean that? Not to demand fast food workers, it is a crappy job, but if you have the job, read the orders, for $15.00 an hour, please give me what I want.
6. Soup is an appetizer, as is the side caesar salad. Don’t bring em all at once, even if this is Dennys or a simple coney island. Please bring me my soup or salad before my main course that is going to get cold fast.
7. Don’t fudge that you know your wine, please. yes, I am a snob, I know that, and sometimes it is ok to deviate from the “rules” but a resiling with a steak may be what you want, fundamentally, it really doesn’t work. And while the most expensive glass on the list may be great, you earn points by not suggesting it and suggesting the quirky wine that you just happen to really like.
8. This actually happened to me. On a second date when big reveals were about to happen. The server pulled out the plates for your table from under her arm. I mean what can you even say……so I won’t.
9. If I am spending like $500 on a meal, start by treating me like I am spending $500 on dinner. Likely I will give you a sign very quickly that we can all have fun and I am a fun customer and a really good tipper. but don’t presume it. Trust me. Some of us like the show, even if we know it is pretentious pandering.
10. Offer a less costly alternative if it exists, we will remember it. happened at the Pancake house last week, the three dollars she saved me went into her 50 percent tip. It was a cool thing she did.
11. Don’t disappear unless we make it clear we want privacy. It’s happy hour, if ou leave for 25 minutes and then tell me it’s too late the computer won’t allow the happy hour menu, I’m gonna be a little pissed.
12. If my girlfriend and I are fighting, and trust me you’ll know, I probably don’t want to order another appetizer, I promise I will let you know.
Just some thoughts, I’m a nobody, just the guy having a meal. If anyone actually reads this, well, share it and take it in good stead.